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Ass on the Line
Ass on the Line is the second episode of season one of Paradise PD. Synopsis Someone dies on the border of Paradise and their rival town, Diamond City, forcing Randall and Diamond City PD's chief, Dean Hancock to divide the evidence, giving Diamond City the victim's face, fingerprints, and entire upper-body, while Paradise gets the victim's bottom half, wherein the closest thing to a significant body part is, his ass. Meanwhile, Bullet joins a Dog Fighting Arena undercover, with Kevin tagging along, to find out if they have anything to do with Argyle Meth. Plot Bullet goes to a A.A.A. (All Addictions Anonymous) meeting at a Community Center to kick his drug habit. He tells his A.A.A. Sponsor that he's addicted to pretty much every single drug in the book. His drug addiction makes him go crazy and rip people's faces apart. However, when he doesn't do drugs, he gets bored and feels like his life has no meaning. The A.A.A. Sponsor rewards Bullet with a "30 minutes of sobriety" badge. He later tells Bullet that if he wants to get any excitement back into his life again, he should smoke some Argyle Meth. Bullet accepts the bag but declines to smoke it. Now he had evidence to bust his sponsor and he won't die from the chocolate. At Paradise Elementary School, Mrs. Horn tells her fourth-grade class that they're going to her a special visitor from Paradise Police Department to teach them about how they shouldn't allow strangers to touch them inappropriately. Kevin Crawford busts in, dressed in a stupid old dog costume and goes under the pseudonym "Molesto the Sex Crime Dog". He tells the kids not to let people touch their penises, vaginas, or boobs, by singing the completely inappropriate song "Everyone You Know is a Molester". In the song, he even accuses Mrs. Horn of being in possession of child pornography. Kevin's antics at the elementary school lead to him getting arrested by Randall. However, Randall does have to give him props for his accusations about Mrs. Horn, which turned out to be true. Bullet shows up to tell Randall about the Argyle Meth he got. Randall is shocked to see that this is still going around, even after they arrested Terry Two-Toes. Kevin points out how odd it is that Terry was able to kill himself in jail without a gun and how it's even weirder that the security footage went missing on the night of the incident. Instead of questioning this extremely weird stuff as well, Randall just calls Kevin a conspiracy nut. Gina dusts the meth bag for fingerprints but she only finds flipper prints. This means that the two suspects are Frank Flipperfist and Edna Dorsaldigits, two demented people in Paradise with hideous dolphin flippers for hands. These grotesque freaks of nature are labeled as Flipper People and the reason they exist is because of the fact that there once was a dolphin at the zoo that a bunch of weird people fucked, leading to those horrid abominations becoming a handful of the town population. Frank Flipperfist is the host of a Dog Fighting Arena so Kevin and Bullet plan on going in there in disguise as a customer and his fighting dog to find them. Randall goes into his office to get the files on Frank Flipperfist, but finds that all of the furniture in his office and Stanley has been glued to the ceiling. He knows that this is an obvious prank by his rival cop, Dean Hancock from the Diamond City Police Academy. He gets so mad that he goes over to Diamond City to get some revenge. The cops go to Diamond City and Randall screams like a madman at Chief Hancock. Hancock condescendingly tells him that he has no time for pranks because he's too busy accepting awards for being the best police station in all of California. After he gets his award he pisses off Randall by reminding him that he married his mother and even admits to having pulled that prank that he denied pulling before. Randall doesn't have time to kick Hancock's ass because he got a call from Dusty, saying that there was a homicide in Paradise. They go to investigate the crime but the dead corpse is actually lying down on the borderline between Paradise and Diamond City. Chiefs Crawford and Hancock argue over whose jurisdiction the body is in and they finally settle on dividing the body between themselves but Paradise gets the short end of the stick because the top half of the victim lies in Diamond City, giving them face, fingerprints, and dental records and the bottom half is in Paradise, meaning that all they have is the victim's ass. Kevin takes Bullet to the Dog Fighting Arena and Bullet poses as a fighting dog. Bullet takes down a big mean dog and gets awarded by Frank Flipperfist. Frank calls Bullet and Kevin into his office to make Bullet a star. He wants Bullet to continue dog fighting and Bullet obliges. Kevin looks for proof that Frank is involved with the Argyle Meth corporation while Bullet gets in over his head about becoming a fighting dog. He even gives himself the new name, "Bullet the Badass". Randall, Fitz, and Gina observe the victim's ass but to no prevail. It doesn't help that Fitz keeps making a bunch of shitty ass puns, annoying Randall to no end. Randall takes a bunch of pictures of the asshole and goes around town, asking random people if they've seen the asshole in the picture. Dusty accidentally gives Randall an eyeful of his asshole and Randall notices that the asshole in the picture is a lot cleaner than Dusty's asshole and Dusty says that this must be because it's been bleached. Randall goes to Banzai Butthole Bleaching to try and get some info on the customers, who get their asses bleaches there, but the Butthole Bleacher finds out he's a cop and squirts him in the eyes with bleach and kicks him out of the store. At the Dog Fighting Arena, Bullet fights more fights and becomes a famous dogfighter. Gina and Fitz question why Randall is so obsessed with solving the ass case and Randall reminisces about a case back in 1985, where an unknown woman was victimized and all that was left behind of her was her dismembered ass. There was no other evidence and with nothing but that left to go on, Randall was never able to find out who the ass belonged to. To this day, that case still haunts him and this case is only reminding him of it. Randall starts to go completely crazy to the point where Gina and Fitz worry for his sanity. It's also mentioned in this scene that Randall and Karen are still broken up. At the end of the previous episode, they planned on going on a date at Red Lobster but as seen later in the episode, Randall ran out of Testosterone Patches, causing him to grow a pair of titties, which meant that he had to stand up his date. He most certainly wasn't going on his date looking like that but despite this, Karen still didn't understand and she wasn't too happy with being stood up like that so they went right back to being on bad terms again. Frank calls Kevin into his office and says that he sedated all of the dogs that Bullet went up against. Now he's going to bet against Bullet and pit him against a dog that could actually kick his ass and even kill him. Randall keeps looking through the ass for information. Suddenly, he hears a phone ringing from inside of the asshole. He shoves his hand up the ass and yanks out one of the phones. The phone has a voice from a mysterious assailant, saying that "The Mole" has the answer. Kevin goes to warn Bullet that Frank is going to make him die in the next fight but Bullet just thinks Kevin is jealous. Bullet tells Frank that Kevin said that he was rigging the fights and that he was going to die. Frank does not like how Kevin spilled the beans but he is at least happy that Bullet didn't believe him. Frank throws Kevin out, losing his trust in him. Gina brings Karen into the ass situation and tells her about how Randall has been going crazy over the case. Karen forbids Randall from continuing on this stupid ass case but Randall blatantly ignored her as soon as he finds out that "The Mole" is a reference to a skin mole growing on the ass. Randall bolts out the door to put an end to the case once and for all, much to the anger of Karen. Bullet is pitted against a really deadly enemy called the Pitwolf, which is a genetically engineered half pitbull and half wolf. Bullet has finally met his match at this pitwolf tears him apart. Just when Bullet is about to die, Kevin comes in, in disguise as Molesto the Sex Crime Dog. He fights with the Pitwolf but he gets himself attacked by him. Bullet finds his A.A.A. sponsor selling drugs and Bullet buys some, giving him the energy to fight like a madman. He goes back into the rink but instead of fighting the Pitwolf, he teams up with the Pitwolf to attack Kevin and Kevin gets severely injured. This pretty much puts an end to Bullet's dogfighting career. Randall goes to the victim's ass and uses his magnifying glass on the mole and sees that it's actually a tiny message written on there that reads "Triple Gotchya". Confused, he wonders what the Hell is going on. The victim gets up and reveals himself to be Chief Hancock. Hancock explains that he solved the mystery of the murdered ass man in five minutes and since then, he's been taking its place to fuck with Randall. He also mentions that he caused irreversible damage to his internal organs by shoving phones up his ass and allowing Randall to shove his mitts up there and fidget around with stuff but it was totally worth it just to see the look on his face. Kevin goes to the Hospital and feels bad about the fact that he never found the real culprit. He wonders who the real criminal was and it turned out that it was Edna Dorsaldigits. Randall gets depressed over what just happened and he packs up his bags and plans to quit his job. As he leaves, he passes by an Assless Hobo, who sits outside of the Police Department and tells him the story of a time when she went skydiving out of a helicopter with her butt sticking out in 1985, which led to her losing her ass. Randall's spirits are lifted since he finally found out that case from before and he becomes happy again. Characters Major Roles *Kevin Crawford *Randall Crawford *Bullet *Gina Jabowski *Dusty Marlowe *Gerald Fitzgerald *Stanley Hopson *Chief Hancock *Frank Flipperfist Minor Roles *Robby *Delbert *Karen Crawford *A.A.A. Sponsor *Gary *Pam *Mrs. Horn *Edna Dorsaldigits *Butthole Bleacher *Pitwolf *Assless Hobo *Dr. Fudlicker (Cameo) *Preacher Paul (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Randall's Mother (Pictured) Trivia *Bullet says he's African-American, due to being one thirty-second pitbull, which as he states, is a black dog. *Randall is a flat-earther. *We learn that Paradise used to be overflowing with deformed half-dolphin people, ever since a time, when a dolphin was introduced to Paradise Zoo and people fucked it. *Paradise Police Department's rival company is Diamond City Police. *Chief police officer of Diamond City Police, Hancock is married to Randall's Mother. *Gina is schizophrenic. She has the voice of a creepy little Asian girl whispering in her head, giving her commands. *This episode introduces the Fitz Bitz running gag. *Dusty bleaches one of his cat's butthole every Tuesday. *Randall was defeated by an unsolved Jane Doe case in 1985, where a woman was victimized and the only remnant of her body was her ass. He was never able to find out who the ass belonged to and it drove him mad. He never solved the case until the end of this very episode, where he learned that it came from a crazy old hobo lady outside of the police department. Continuity *Randall is surprised to see that Argyle Meth is still on the streets, even after Terry Two-Toes was arrested and killed in "Welcome to Paradise". Kevin is skeptical about the information, surrounding Terry's death. The info leads the force to believe that Terry took his own life. In the final scene of "Welcome to Paradise", we see that this information is, in fact, false, as an unknown member of the police force was the one who killed Terry. This also explains why the surveillance footage "mysteriously" went missing. *Randall stood up Karen on the date, they planned at Red Lobster in the previous episode. This was because of him running out of Testosterone Patches, loosing his mustache and growing giant tits, as seen in the gag at the end of the first episode. *Randall admits that the sunset logo of Paradise PD is, in fact, a puckering anus, even after directly and consistently denying it in the first episode. Cultural References *Bullet hit such a low, when doing drugs, that he started watching the HBO series, Ballers. *Molesto the Sex Crime is a parody on McRuff the Crime Dog. *Randall mentioned that Shaquille O'Neal is a flat-earther. *Bullet lists off the tragic fates of the professional wrestlers, Randy Savage, Owen Hart, and Dwayne the Rock Johnson. The latter was tragic, because he starred, Ballers. *Stanley reminisces about he and his friend, having a three way with professional boxer, Joe Louis. *Gerald is a fan of Michael Buble. *Stanley also had sex with professional boxer, Jack Dempsey and the latter ejaculated in his face. Errors *Bullet's A.A.A. meeting started, they interviewed him, and the meeting ended. This makes his meeting only a few seconds long and lacking any attention to the other people. *Hopson appeared standing on the floor in one scene. Later that same scene, Randall discovered that Diamond City P.D. glued all of the furniture to the ceiling, including Hopson. Diamond City P.D. had already left far before this scene, yet they somehow managed to glue Hopson to the ceiling. Category:Episodes